Wednesday, February 02, 2011

On being who you are

I've been thinking a lot recently about who I am and what sort of person I want to be. I guess when I was a teenager I thought I'd figure it all out as I got older. And now here I am as a thirty something wondering about the very same thing. I think that I haven't really been wondering all this time, but that I've just started to wonder again as so much has changed for me in the last 5 years or so.

I've lost my Mum and my Gran, both of whom were very dear to me, supported my family through those tough times, and then went through some really personal stuff myself which left me feeling very guilty and depressed about decisions I felt I had to make. Before I'd even had time to recover and get totally back on my feet I was thrown another curve ball and went through a really emotional breakup from a long term relationship. These sorts of events shake the foundations of what you believe and alter your life perceptions forever.I'm reading this really great book at the moment by the tattoo artist Kat Von D. It's not very often that I feel really connected to a book but this one is really speaking to me, she talks openly about life, relationships, addiction, and battling peoples preconceived ideas about the person they think you are by the way that you look, or the things that you do, or the way people interpret what you say.If I ever got famous and wrote a book I'd love mine to look as great as this one, and to be written as beautifully and honestly.It's hard when you feel like you are are different, I mean how often do you hear embroidery and heavy metal mentioned in the same sentence? Lol. Yet these are two things that I really love. It's hard when you wish you were an artist but you just weren't born gifted, it's hard to go to bed at night and wonder whether you will wake up happy again the next day or if depression will have crept over you again for no reason that you can put a finger on, it's hard wondering whether the things that you try and do in the pursuit of being a good person are going to be thrown back in your face, it's hard when people make up stuff about you because they imagine you've done things that you haven't.

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY OR HOW YOU CHOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AS LONG AS YOU DO YOUR BEST TO REMAIN TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE AND THE THINGS YOU BELIEVE IN. At least that's what I think ......

4 comments:

Amanda said...

I'm into my sixties now, and things haven't changed; I still wonder what sort of person I am and whether I'm ever going to be able to do the things that I love to do. Even though it appears to me that everyone else has sorted their lives out and feel confident and happy, I don't suppose that's the case at all.

coral-seas said...

As you said yourself, you've been through a great deal in recent years. Events like those cause you to eveluate your life. You've had some though mountains to climb. But I think that it is true what they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Sounds to me like you are with someone now who appreciates you just the way you are. You worked hard to reach the summit, now spread your wings and soar!

ps. You may have noticed that some of us keep visiting your blog. Embroidery and Heavey metal is obviously ok with us :-)

Anita said...

Everything from your past has shaped you to the person you are today and I like you just the way you are.

Susan said...

Hi!
Thanks so much for your recent comment on my blog and especially for sharing your "statement" about marriage and relationships for my next art installation. I left this message attached to this particular post as a sign of support. Like you, I've "wondered" and "worried" and have been forced to make difficult decisions. Life isn't easy....and I thought that by the time I was forty, I'd have all the answers. I'm fifty-one and amazed at how little I know! Yet, happiness is a seed each person must plant for herself, foster and care for, tend to and prune, endure harsh winters with and enjoy and share. Don't give up. Spring is always a season close at hand.